my hate goes on and off

Yesterday, when I came home, I felt friendly with my father and quite tolerant towards my mother. We were watching something together with my father and even discussing it. Today, I again cannot stand my mother, and my father bothers (?) me. Actually, she started coughing, which she rarely does, and it pissed me off. I was playing freecell and silently wished and whispered "suffocate, suffocate" on her every coughing.
My anger worries me. From time to time, I (suffocate) loose control, like driving a car, or at work, or approaching my house, which in itself is a torture. I am afraid that one day I might loose it big time and do some damage.

mothers want control of their children

My mother has invisible nails of infinite length with which she clings to her children, drags herself hanging on them, pulling them to the ground and asking and begging "Please, be weak, sensitive, vulnerable, emotional, unsure of yourself. Need me, need me, need me. See how weak am I? I am old, lost in this new world, oh and my (whatever) hurts and I need care. Let's be together. Be weak, weak, weak, weak, weak."

I am fighting it

Whatever is happening to me, I am not giving up. I am fighting it. Often I loose hope because my emotions cover up common sense and it upsets me. Aggression that I feel is destructive. Sometimes all I have left is just desire to be well. I do not want to loose that desire. I should want to be well. But sometimes in some kind of demonstrative manner of attracting attention (parents attention, I guess) this destructive force overcomes and I want to loose it.

Emo-toilet, I copyrighted it

My LJ became the place where I throw up, curse, and complain, basically, write about my problems. I do not think it is interesting to read. It looks more like an emotional toilet, emo-toilet, like bio-toilet (I should probably copyright it) except here I sometimes go back to earlier writings to look and see. So here I am, unzipping my pants...
At work I feel everyone is either laughing at me or hates me and wants me to fail or is afraid of me or is disgusted with me. I need a bigger office. AC in our room is noisy, so I cannot work well. I am not getting office yet and the AC is still noisy. Everyone is ignoring me.