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end of large part
Jan. 31st, 2017 09:06 pm My father died 40 days ago. I had been imagining this day many times before trying to guess what it would feel like. Now I know. I feel all the right things.
I feel like crying. I feel like a lost little boy in a supermarket looking around but not seeing his parent and accepting a terrible thought that he is being abandoned. Plus the whole set of usual worthlessness.
His death did make some changes inside me. I now much more clearly think I am wasting my life and that it can end anytime. I feel that the best thing I can do is to help someone. But this is a feeling and not a thought as I usually think before acting and "I feel like helping someone" is not ripe enough to begin acting on.
I now think he was a good person. He loved his family. He was a good friend and good colleague. He cared about us and supported us. The strangest thing of all is why is it that I could not see this when he was alive?
I feel like crying. I feel like a lost little boy in a supermarket looking around but not seeing his parent and accepting a terrible thought that he is being abandoned. Plus the whole set of usual worthlessness.
His death did make some changes inside me. I now much more clearly think I am wasting my life and that it can end anytime. I feel that the best thing I can do is to help someone. But this is a feeling and not a thought as I usually think before acting and "I feel like helping someone" is not ripe enough to begin acting on.
I now think he was a good person. He loved his family. He was a good friend and good colleague. He cared about us and supported us. The strangest thing of all is why is it that I could not see this when he was alive?
