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Hello. I am 33 years old and I am single. I am 5’8” and weigh 158 pounds. I have fair skin and red hair. I am from Georgia, the country, located between Black and Caspian seas in Eastern Europe. I live in J., M.. The place is one of the stinkiest in the world, but I have a job here, so I guess I should not complain. I work as a mathematics instructor at T. C., traditionally black Christian Liberal Arts College. I teach beginning courses in mathematics for non-majors. Students hate math and take it only because it is a requirement of their programs of study. I hate them and we have a full understanding.
Tougaloo College is in constant budget crisis, so they say who has been here for some time. I do not know why this happens. May be because of bad management or corruption. But since the management cannot be bad all the time, it should be the latter. When I came here 4 years ago, I filled up my credit cards and last year being without income for 9 months destroyed my credit history. I am in deep debt and struggling to pay the creditors. I managed to convince few of them to restructure it and lower monthly payments and interest. Some of my accounts are now in collections and the creditors refuse to restructure it demanding a full payment. Last month I was robbed and beaten up and had no insurance so my medical bills just added another $1500 to the debt.
Two days ago I bought a car, red two-door Mazda of 1991 with 100k on the wheel from the private party for cash. Car runs well and has a nice air-conditioning and I bought an insurance that is also huge monthly payments. I made one payment on the car and have to make another one from the next paycheck.
Before I used to bike. I have this great mountain Schwinn with aluminum frame and rugged tires that has been taking me to work, shopping and church since I came here. I used to sweat a lot on it and worked up nice leg muscles as well as general stamina and better looks. But J. is not a place for bikes and while riding on the right edge of the white line of the two-lane road I used to pray a lot. I have to say that now I am exhausted. Not physically but I just feel sick and tired of biking and believe if I continue biking for another week I will get hit like those armadillos which lie torn in half by cars in the streets.
I used to go to church on Sundays but finally quit. I do not really know why, may be because of the Gregorian calendar or because of the way they conduct service. I pray every morning and bought 4 volumes of the complete translation of Philokalia. My relation to the religion is not quite clear to me. All I can say it is important to me but as usual I fail to make conclusions, generalizations, see the bigger picture, set priorities and manage my time effectively. So I cannot say much about it. I just think it is important for me to “practice it”, whether it is going to church, praying, or trying to live according to the commandments. I have read some parts of Philokalia and found a lot of new things but my inability to digest the information correctly prevents me from making so me steps to change my life.
I am single. I am not a virgin but I do not have regular sexual life or a girlfriend. I think I am still in love with L.M. but sometimes I think she is one of the signs that I am completely out of line in this life. I tend to like women with nice skin, high cheeks with dimples and very dark, black eyes. Figure, shape of legs, weight and waistline do not seem to be my concern. When I was young I liked older women but couple of years ago I started having hots for young girls.
I plan on going for Ph.D. at Rutgers. Chances are small. I would like to finish my thesis and the topic that is in the center of attention of my father and young brother.
I try to prepare for qualifying exams, which I will have to take in case Rutgers admits me. Dr. George, the guy who was fired from Tougaloo for being too smart and unfriendly, helps me to solve problems and guides me in my studies. The studies do not go well. I am lazy, moody and stupid and each problem takes me awhile to solve if at all. If Rutgers knows how bad I am at math it never admits me. May be it already does. Problem solving goes very slow and at this rate two-day exam will take me a year to solve.
My apartment is a mess. I stopped cleaning it a while ago. However I know exactly what is where so there is a hidden order in the chaos of clothes, bills, letters, books, dishes, wires and hardware. I am typing on a laptop that belonged to Mrs. M. and is a property of T.. Most things I have in the apartment belonged to her. I only bought few, including folding five-foot office table, like the one A. had in Arizona.
Airat was my roommate back then when we were grad students. I wanted my cousin to meet him so I brought her from A.. They met and got married in two years that is this May. Now she is pregnant and they live with his mother in Pennsylvania where he found a job as an assistant professor.
The women I would fuck are as follows: Lika, Claire, Mandy, that dark-eyed woman from St Peter’s church, A., that girl with blue eyes and dark eyebrows full-figured that used to hangout with guys in front of the engineering building at ASU. I would continue the list but it becomes more and more boring with every name. Thinking about one woman is much better than thinking of few together, you can concentrate on details that make her hot. I forgot T. A. from my school. She was pretty hot too.
Solving a math problem is hard. I spent a lot of time on it and it comes down to the getting a picture in my head so clear that the proof becomes trivial. The hardest part is this picture. Simply if you think you understand the problem but cannot solve it means you don’t understand it. I think pictures come from nowhere. The trick is to get yourself to that nowhere and wait for the picture. It is like holding your breath until you feel you are dying. All you want is to get out, start breathing. So instead of looking for a solution I play solitaire, smoke, drink, eat, watch TV, type this stuff, and masturbate. Then comes this feeling of guilt and helplessness, and if playing solitaire, smoking, drinking, eating, watching TV, typing this stuff, and masturbating doesn’t help and I fail to find any other escape, I commit myself to holding my breath until the picture comes. Usually I have to die shortly before it comes and right after I start playing solitaire, smoking, drinking, eating, watching TV, typing this stuff, and masturbating. Then I put on paper, attach it to the folder with solved problems and forget about it.
I am coward. Both physically and spiritually. I am afraid of changes, challenges and wise guys. I think I know why Americans use phrase “you can do it”. Convinced that they can do it, they cannot allow themselves not to do it, and otherwise it would be a crime against humanity. What a crap. When you crap you crap. The end.
Not yet. Evagrios the Solitary said “a monk should always act as if he is going to die tomorrow; yet he should treat his body as if it was going to live for many years”. Since I have problem with determining “what do I want in this life” I thought if I imagine that I die tomorrow, I could clearly detect my real desires. Alternatively, I also thought of imagining that all people that I know, care, love, depend on, or have any kind of obligation for, are dead, and I am on my own literally. I am alone in town, no one knows me and I know no one. The town is what it is, I am going to do what I want the way I want it. What is it going to be like? Chances are, I am not going to like honest and sincere me. But what the hell, everyone is dead and I myself am going to be dead soon. What is it that I cannot live without? What is it that inspires me? What is it that I am good at? So here I am. I want… I want… to be free, not to calculate my steps, to have passion for something other than approval from other people. Is mathematics really my passion? If it is, then where are the results or at least a joy and rush, “the zone” that comes with it? If it is not then what is it? Or may be I do not have one? But the fact that I am looking for it means it exists. So what is it?
The question I am asking myself is “what should I be doing?” I have my desires and I have duties, I have parents that love me and need to be taken care of, I have brothers. I feel pretty much everyone else can go to hell, I wont feel too upset if they do. I want to have money enough to help my parents and take care of myself.
I like thinking of young girls. I like listening and watching the Beatles. I like guns. I like looking good and dressing up. Expensive stuff, especially audio equipment, receivers and speakers. I like to play piano and in a band. I like watching movies. I like driving a car. I like watching porn on the net; there’s always something new and sometimes some hot episodes. I like thinking about Lika and how we could be together if things could have worked out. I like returning to my apartment after a trip and find it as I left it. I like to feel respect of people for what I do. I like to be the best at something that other people like. I like watching heavyweight-boxing matches.
I don’t like to be afraid for my physical safety in the streets. I don’t like to go to Tbilisi and have no friends and nothing in common with people around me. I don’t like to be unappreciated. I don’t like meeting my students at public places. I don’t like to be afraid to say or do things that have to be said or done. I don’t like starting things and then not finishing them. I don’t like to go to sleep at night. I don’t like my addiction to computer games and TV.
I want to be making lot of money to meet my needs and take care of my parents. I want to be able to fight in bars and to win an argument if I have to and do not start if I know I loose. I want to quit smoking. I want to be the best at something; it would make me feel good about myself. I want a woman in my life that I would love and who would love me and who would be my friend and my wife and mother of my children. I want to be able to do things well, so that I would make up my mind on doing it, concentrate deep enough, make a plan and then accomplish it in one powerful continuous effort sweeping obstacles away because my plan is stronger and sturdier. I want to be able to distinguish things that are important and unimportant. I want my efforts to be fruitful. I want to make and see progress in my doing what I am doing. I want people to appreciate what I do. I want to be able to talk to people freely, be able to understand what they think and want, help them and get what I want from them if I need to. I want to be independent of other person’s opinion of me, not needing him to decipher and estimate my actions and words.
The moments in my life that I was most embarrassed are as follows:
When I was about 5-10-12? we lived in Moscow and this big boy beat me up I told my mother and we went out looking for him. It hurt me that she took it lightly and told me to just punch him. If I could I would do it without her telling me it. When guests would come to our place my father would demand me to play piano for them and if I resisted he would get angry. Why? I lost all confrontations with bullies in the streets and it would be painful. When bully Maslov in eighth grade told me to take out garbage on labor class I ran home bending so that he could not see me. When I lost fight with Karpov, I lost sympathy of Gordeeva and I lost something else along the way. I saw that being good to people is not as effective in getting what you want as being tough. But I never was tough. With Eka when I realized that there is Goga and saw him I gave up on flirting because I was afraid of confrontation that would lead to a fight and I would fold and embarrass myself in front of my peers. Reputation at TSU was everything. When Lasha Nikoladze invited me to his birthday and I had to sit in front of Eka and Goga and got embarrassed when he told me to drink and I said “I can’t” and he said “you can’t?” and Eka was just watching me whole time. And then when dinner was over I left trying to run so that I did not have to talk to them or walk with them being afraid of confrontation with Goga or embarrassing questions or attitude from other girls or boys. In Moscow when I lived with Eteri I was embarrassed hating to serve at mealtimes and feeling that she wants me serving and trying to do my best not to upset her and be a good boy. It was ok when we were alone or with Valera but when other people came I hated doing it and she was watching my reactions and I felt under pressure. Then at C.I. this “necktie” thing with D. R. when everyone was watching me getting new (or used?) ties everyday from D. and then his attitude in the presence of others on how there is no research in my reports and how full of shit I am and how I am going to burst or never get it up with my attitude. When we were one-on-one I was natural and swift if I had to. But in the presence of others it’s different. Then the same was with Lika. Condescending attitude I cannot take. In Georgia you get it from everyone. Then there was the moment when GIOC CEO Deputy V.(?) V. told me to take out ashtray. Why can’t I defend myself in the presence of others? Why do I always fold when it is one-on-one and the opponent is willing to go all the way? Why do I always loose the conflicts I am involved in? I get embarrassed in conflicts in the presence of people because I seek their approval.
I am afraid of many things and people.
I can do no mater what my father was, did, is does says or said. I want to cut all ties with my father. I want to be free from his influence, judgement, and approval. I am able and willing to do as I want and please, to come up with idea and plan and implement this plan and change things if they need to be changed and it will work and I will get what I want. I feel sorry for my mother. They did not give me anything. I feel I am some weird creature with frightening repressed aggression inside. I feel my parents are guilty of it, my attempt for trying things with Lika is guilty, and my school.
After unsuccessful attempt to find a job or graduate program with financial aid, I was notified by my lawyer that I have to leave the country and obtain visa while being outside US. I had already booked tickets and on June 30, 2004 I was in Tbilisi. I perceive my life here as miserable and pretty hopeless from the standpoint of making a career in satisfying and interesting field. I caught myself thinking that I don’t even know what I find satisfying or interesting. If I assume as a postulate that a person wanting something will always get it, I will most probably have to conclude that mathematics is not that field but for some horrible, stupid fucking reason I do not (cannot, do not want to) admit it, may be because of not having a real thing I cling to the nearest surrogate.
Last few days I think a lot about these things and suspect there should be something common between failed qualifiers and failed Lika affair, failed exams to medical school. I think of a formula “Try, lose. Try hard, lose anyway”. There is a language describing things that I need to make clear for myself, but the school is closed and books and dictionaries are not available. At this moment I do not even want to bother to make effort in that or in anything else for that matter. I think I deserve to lie in bed all day and do nothing and write these things.
Do I have to be able to articulate my wants and desires? Isn’t it enough to have them? Can I be in absence of wants? Are there people who do not want anything in this life? Back to Evagrios. I remember wanting notebook in Moscow. I felt as if I am not complete without it. I was incomplete. May be this feeling of incompleteness is a true measure of desire. Do I feel incomplete? Well most people do. If yes, in what sense? What would make me complete?
I had what I think is panic attacks. I have hidden (or not so hidden) aggression towards Zauri. Blame him for not teaching me things I need now and not letting me develop as normal child. I think I still depend on their approval, and on some level I compete with him. My present failure adds to his victory, as he is now better than his sons that he always craved to be. To be in charge, to be strong, helpful, needed. Still trying to make me take part in his work as a sign of his heritage. But what kind of heritage is it? It depends on chance and in the present has no value whatsoever. And I should dedicate my time to it and rely on it and then not get anything out of it. I feel like crippled that is given running shoes and encouraged to run a marathon. With shoes I am also given videotape that tells me how healthy and joyful running can be.
I hate my parents, or, should I call them two people who produced me. Two idiots who, desperate for making their live or dead parents happy and making a claim for each other to take each others shit out when they are piss fucking old and cannot do it themselves. Like a social contract. But they did not get enough courage to call it so. My opinion is they should have never gotten married. For taking each others shit out they might have done pretty well but who told them to make children I cannot get an idea. Useless, hopeless, powerless, ballless (hey, the last one isn’t in the dictionary even, my latest inventionJ) creatures is what they made out of their sperm and eggs, Moscow apartment, jobs and shit. Their whole fucking gene should be eliminated as it tortures its combined carriers. I cannot wait for them to pass away. And for me to pass away as long as I am no longer able to fight it.
Tougaloo College is in constant budget crisis, so they say who has been here for some time. I do not know why this happens. May be because of bad management or corruption. But since the management cannot be bad all the time, it should be the latter. When I came here 4 years ago, I filled up my credit cards and last year being without income for 9 months destroyed my credit history. I am in deep debt and struggling to pay the creditors. I managed to convince few of them to restructure it and lower monthly payments and interest. Some of my accounts are now in collections and the creditors refuse to restructure it demanding a full payment. Last month I was robbed and beaten up and had no insurance so my medical bills just added another $1500 to the debt.
Two days ago I bought a car, red two-door Mazda of 1991 with 100k on the wheel from the private party for cash. Car runs well and has a nice air-conditioning and I bought an insurance that is also huge monthly payments. I made one payment on the car and have to make another one from the next paycheck.
Before I used to bike. I have this great mountain Schwinn with aluminum frame and rugged tires that has been taking me to work, shopping and church since I came here. I used to sweat a lot on it and worked up nice leg muscles as well as general stamina and better looks. But J. is not a place for bikes and while riding on the right edge of the white line of the two-lane road I used to pray a lot. I have to say that now I am exhausted. Not physically but I just feel sick and tired of biking and believe if I continue biking for another week I will get hit like those armadillos which lie torn in half by cars in the streets.
I used to go to church on Sundays but finally quit. I do not really know why, may be because of the Gregorian calendar or because of the way they conduct service. I pray every morning and bought 4 volumes of the complete translation of Philokalia. My relation to the religion is not quite clear to me. All I can say it is important to me but as usual I fail to make conclusions, generalizations, see the bigger picture, set priorities and manage my time effectively. So I cannot say much about it. I just think it is important for me to “practice it”, whether it is going to church, praying, or trying to live according to the commandments. I have read some parts of Philokalia and found a lot of new things but my inability to digest the information correctly prevents me from making so me steps to change my life.
I am single. I am not a virgin but I do not have regular sexual life or a girlfriend. I think I am still in love with L.M. but sometimes I think she is one of the signs that I am completely out of line in this life. I tend to like women with nice skin, high cheeks with dimples and very dark, black eyes. Figure, shape of legs, weight and waistline do not seem to be my concern. When I was young I liked older women but couple of years ago I started having hots for young girls.
I plan on going for Ph.D. at Rutgers. Chances are small. I would like to finish my thesis and the topic that is in the center of attention of my father and young brother.
I try to prepare for qualifying exams, which I will have to take in case Rutgers admits me. Dr. George, the guy who was fired from Tougaloo for being too smart and unfriendly, helps me to solve problems and guides me in my studies. The studies do not go well. I am lazy, moody and stupid and each problem takes me awhile to solve if at all. If Rutgers knows how bad I am at math it never admits me. May be it already does. Problem solving goes very slow and at this rate two-day exam will take me a year to solve.
My apartment is a mess. I stopped cleaning it a while ago. However I know exactly what is where so there is a hidden order in the chaos of clothes, bills, letters, books, dishes, wires and hardware. I am typing on a laptop that belonged to Mrs. M. and is a property of T.. Most things I have in the apartment belonged to her. I only bought few, including folding five-foot office table, like the one A. had in Arizona.
Airat was my roommate back then when we were grad students. I wanted my cousin to meet him so I brought her from A.. They met and got married in two years that is this May. Now she is pregnant and they live with his mother in Pennsylvania where he found a job as an assistant professor.
The women I would fuck are as follows: Lika, Claire, Mandy, that dark-eyed woman from St Peter’s church, A., that girl with blue eyes and dark eyebrows full-figured that used to hangout with guys in front of the engineering building at ASU. I would continue the list but it becomes more and more boring with every name. Thinking about one woman is much better than thinking of few together, you can concentrate on details that make her hot. I forgot T. A. from my school. She was pretty hot too.
Solving a math problem is hard. I spent a lot of time on it and it comes down to the getting a picture in my head so clear that the proof becomes trivial. The hardest part is this picture. Simply if you think you understand the problem but cannot solve it means you don’t understand it. I think pictures come from nowhere. The trick is to get yourself to that nowhere and wait for the picture. It is like holding your breath until you feel you are dying. All you want is to get out, start breathing. So instead of looking for a solution I play solitaire, smoke, drink, eat, watch TV, type this stuff, and masturbate. Then comes this feeling of guilt and helplessness, and if playing solitaire, smoking, drinking, eating, watching TV, typing this stuff, and masturbating doesn’t help and I fail to find any other escape, I commit myself to holding my breath until the picture comes. Usually I have to die shortly before it comes and right after I start playing solitaire, smoking, drinking, eating, watching TV, typing this stuff, and masturbating. Then I put on paper, attach it to the folder with solved problems and forget about it.
I am coward. Both physically and spiritually. I am afraid of changes, challenges and wise guys. I think I know why Americans use phrase “you can do it”. Convinced that they can do it, they cannot allow themselves not to do it, and otherwise it would be a crime against humanity. What a crap. When you crap you crap. The end.
Not yet. Evagrios the Solitary said “a monk should always act as if he is going to die tomorrow; yet he should treat his body as if it was going to live for many years”. Since I have problem with determining “what do I want in this life” I thought if I imagine that I die tomorrow, I could clearly detect my real desires. Alternatively, I also thought of imagining that all people that I know, care, love, depend on, or have any kind of obligation for, are dead, and I am on my own literally. I am alone in town, no one knows me and I know no one. The town is what it is, I am going to do what I want the way I want it. What is it going to be like? Chances are, I am not going to like honest and sincere me. But what the hell, everyone is dead and I myself am going to be dead soon. What is it that I cannot live without? What is it that inspires me? What is it that I am good at? So here I am. I want… I want… to be free, not to calculate my steps, to have passion for something other than approval from other people. Is mathematics really my passion? If it is, then where are the results or at least a joy and rush, “the zone” that comes with it? If it is not then what is it? Or may be I do not have one? But the fact that I am looking for it means it exists. So what is it?
The question I am asking myself is “what should I be doing?” I have my desires and I have duties, I have parents that love me and need to be taken care of, I have brothers. I feel pretty much everyone else can go to hell, I wont feel too upset if they do. I want to have money enough to help my parents and take care of myself.
I like thinking of young girls. I like listening and watching the Beatles. I like guns. I like looking good and dressing up. Expensive stuff, especially audio equipment, receivers and speakers. I like to play piano and in a band. I like watching movies. I like driving a car. I like watching porn on the net; there’s always something new and sometimes some hot episodes. I like thinking about Lika and how we could be together if things could have worked out. I like returning to my apartment after a trip and find it as I left it. I like to feel respect of people for what I do. I like to be the best at something that other people like. I like watching heavyweight-boxing matches.
I don’t like to be afraid for my physical safety in the streets. I don’t like to go to Tbilisi and have no friends and nothing in common with people around me. I don’t like to be unappreciated. I don’t like meeting my students at public places. I don’t like to be afraid to say or do things that have to be said or done. I don’t like starting things and then not finishing them. I don’t like to go to sleep at night. I don’t like my addiction to computer games and TV.
I want to be making lot of money to meet my needs and take care of my parents. I want to be able to fight in bars and to win an argument if I have to and do not start if I know I loose. I want to quit smoking. I want to be the best at something; it would make me feel good about myself. I want a woman in my life that I would love and who would love me and who would be my friend and my wife and mother of my children. I want to be able to do things well, so that I would make up my mind on doing it, concentrate deep enough, make a plan and then accomplish it in one powerful continuous effort sweeping obstacles away because my plan is stronger and sturdier. I want to be able to distinguish things that are important and unimportant. I want my efforts to be fruitful. I want to make and see progress in my doing what I am doing. I want people to appreciate what I do. I want to be able to talk to people freely, be able to understand what they think and want, help them and get what I want from them if I need to. I want to be independent of other person’s opinion of me, not needing him to decipher and estimate my actions and words.
The moments in my life that I was most embarrassed are as follows:
When I was about 5-10-12? we lived in Moscow and this big boy beat me up I told my mother and we went out looking for him. It hurt me that she took it lightly and told me to just punch him. If I could I would do it without her telling me it. When guests would come to our place my father would demand me to play piano for them and if I resisted he would get angry. Why? I lost all confrontations with bullies in the streets and it would be painful. When bully Maslov in eighth grade told me to take out garbage on labor class I ran home bending so that he could not see me. When I lost fight with Karpov, I lost sympathy of Gordeeva and I lost something else along the way. I saw that being good to people is not as effective in getting what you want as being tough. But I never was tough. With Eka when I realized that there is Goga and saw him I gave up on flirting because I was afraid of confrontation that would lead to a fight and I would fold and embarrass myself in front of my peers. Reputation at TSU was everything. When Lasha Nikoladze invited me to his birthday and I had to sit in front of Eka and Goga and got embarrassed when he told me to drink and I said “I can’t” and he said “you can’t?” and Eka was just watching me whole time. And then when dinner was over I left trying to run so that I did not have to talk to them or walk with them being afraid of confrontation with Goga or embarrassing questions or attitude from other girls or boys. In Moscow when I lived with Eteri I was embarrassed hating to serve at mealtimes and feeling that she wants me serving and trying to do my best not to upset her and be a good boy. It was ok when we were alone or with Valera but when other people came I hated doing it and she was watching my reactions and I felt under pressure. Then at C.I. this “necktie” thing with D. R. when everyone was watching me getting new (or used?) ties everyday from D. and then his attitude in the presence of others on how there is no research in my reports and how full of shit I am and how I am going to burst or never get it up with my attitude. When we were one-on-one I was natural and swift if I had to. But in the presence of others it’s different. Then the same was with Lika. Condescending attitude I cannot take. In Georgia you get it from everyone. Then there was the moment when GIOC CEO Deputy V.(?) V. told me to take out ashtray. Why can’t I defend myself in the presence of others? Why do I always fold when it is one-on-one and the opponent is willing to go all the way? Why do I always loose the conflicts I am involved in? I get embarrassed in conflicts in the presence of people because I seek their approval.
I am afraid of many things and people.
I can do no mater what my father was, did, is does says or said. I want to cut all ties with my father. I want to be free from his influence, judgement, and approval. I am able and willing to do as I want and please, to come up with idea and plan and implement this plan and change things if they need to be changed and it will work and I will get what I want. I feel sorry for my mother. They did not give me anything. I feel I am some weird creature with frightening repressed aggression inside. I feel my parents are guilty of it, my attempt for trying things with Lika is guilty, and my school.
After unsuccessful attempt to find a job or graduate program with financial aid, I was notified by my lawyer that I have to leave the country and obtain visa while being outside US. I had already booked tickets and on June 30, 2004 I was in Tbilisi. I perceive my life here as miserable and pretty hopeless from the standpoint of making a career in satisfying and interesting field. I caught myself thinking that I don’t even know what I find satisfying or interesting. If I assume as a postulate that a person wanting something will always get it, I will most probably have to conclude that mathematics is not that field but for some horrible, stupid fucking reason I do not (cannot, do not want to) admit it, may be because of not having a real thing I cling to the nearest surrogate.
Last few days I think a lot about these things and suspect there should be something common between failed qualifiers and failed Lika affair, failed exams to medical school. I think of a formula “Try, lose. Try hard, lose anyway”. There is a language describing things that I need to make clear for myself, but the school is closed and books and dictionaries are not available. At this moment I do not even want to bother to make effort in that or in anything else for that matter. I think I deserve to lie in bed all day and do nothing and write these things.
Do I have to be able to articulate my wants and desires? Isn’t it enough to have them? Can I be in absence of wants? Are there people who do not want anything in this life? Back to Evagrios. I remember wanting notebook in Moscow. I felt as if I am not complete without it. I was incomplete. May be this feeling of incompleteness is a true measure of desire. Do I feel incomplete? Well most people do. If yes, in what sense? What would make me complete?
I had what I think is panic attacks. I have hidden (or not so hidden) aggression towards Zauri. Blame him for not teaching me things I need now and not letting me develop as normal child. I think I still depend on their approval, and on some level I compete with him. My present failure adds to his victory, as he is now better than his sons that he always craved to be. To be in charge, to be strong, helpful, needed. Still trying to make me take part in his work as a sign of his heritage. But what kind of heritage is it? It depends on chance and in the present has no value whatsoever. And I should dedicate my time to it and rely on it and then not get anything out of it. I feel like crippled that is given running shoes and encouraged to run a marathon. With shoes I am also given videotape that tells me how healthy and joyful running can be.
I hate my parents, or, should I call them two people who produced me. Two idiots who, desperate for making their live or dead parents happy and making a claim for each other to take each others shit out when they are piss fucking old and cannot do it themselves. Like a social contract. But they did not get enough courage to call it so. My opinion is they should have never gotten married. For taking each others shit out they might have done pretty well but who told them to make children I cannot get an idea. Useless, hopeless, powerless, ballless (hey, the last one isn’t in the dictionary even, my latest inventionJ) creatures is what they made out of their sperm and eggs, Moscow apartment, jobs and shit. Their whole fucking gene should be eliminated as it tortures its combined carriers. I cannot wait for them to pass away. And for me to pass away as long as I am no longer able to fight it.
