rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-06-18 01:58 am

how to

How to raise a boy?

How to make ends meet?

How to save and find more energy to do things I need to do?
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-06-18 01:42 am

boring invincibility

It is boring but I do get up after a fall. If a fall is invincible, the get up is unavoidable... I find my readiness to get up to be my definitive aspect that I rarely manifest. It could be that subconsciously I fall just to get up and show off my greatness. How about launching an offensive towards not falling?

I admit Mike Tyson's quotes impress me. Would it make sense to feel aggression towards derivatives that I need to read and learn in order to succeed in reading and learning? Or towards "the fog of muddle and confusion" as in

"Mathematics is a process of staring hard enough with enough perseverance at the fog of muddle and confusion to eventually break through to improved clarity"?

I could feel animosity towards the fog.

God help me I do have too much free time.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-06-07 08:02 pm

a bit of whining with tea

47 and still taking CFA level 2 exams, third this time. Best part is that the exam is in Istanbul. Do not talk here about the exam. Turkish tea is awesome, I bought the double teapot with little tulip shaped tea cups and little teaspoons. Makes perfect Turkish tea even with the Georgian tea. I used "tea" 6 times in the paragraph. No, seven.

Left with no choice or so I think to start my own business. It is a free fall as I do not have an idea what I am doing. Sometimes it is a good thing. I am told to have good ideas but no grit to follow through. Tomorrow, I have a meeting with a potential supplier within my "side kick" business plan. Then with potential customer.

I do dream about being self-employed as CFA program participant, but have no worthy ideas so far.

Still, Turkish tea saves the day and if that is not going to work, I have running.

rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-05-21 10:55 pm

really

really really want to be some place else, do something else.  Really want to be someone else. Like in Scottish tales where a guy goes to sleep and then wakes up a hundred years later.  He is the same but the world is not.

But... you re in the army now, stand up and fight, motherfucker.

Go back to those books, late schedule, interval timing, unending routine, failed expectations.  I should start loving routine.  I should fall in love with it.  Because not much is left.  Routine means hope that one day I will pass.  May be this day never comes, it does not matter.  Routine will save me. Or so I hope.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-05-21 04:11 pm

заметил

Я плачу от счастья и жалости к себе, когда люди вместо ожидаемого презрения и оскорблений выказывают ко мне уважение или хотя бы доброе расположение.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-05-14 01:04 am

гараж

 день плохой, опасный, напрасный.  ездил по делам семейным, не занимался, попал в гараж к мужикам с чачей, за жизнь, а ты кто, а где был, а с кем, а почему сейчас здесь, об этом потом расскажу, попрощался, а может обидел, разозлил, будут мстить, или про мой гараж что-то, дальше день наперекосяк, с детьми гуляли.  

 Обнаружил, что есть библиотека шикарная, и сравнительно рядом с домом. Bliss!

Как люди владеют собой?  Своими мыслями, эмоциями, намерениями, действиями?


rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-04-16 02:27 pm

i know myself

Know thyself. I know I do.
There are few surprising things I found out about myself over years. 
One is that I am envious.  I hate friends or relatives or coworkers that I think are better than me.
Another is that I have inadequately low self-esteem, that's what the shrink said.  Taken as a whole, I don't have too many friends.  In fact, I have none.
I am pushover.

I have positive qualities as well.  I can be pretty thick skinned.  I can switch moods, from dark to light, on the fly, if I remember at such moments that I have such capacity.
I can be resilient.
I am loyal... no, I am not.

rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-02-22 11:23 pm

smell of bloooood

 Today I saw what a karate black belt can do.  Gega and I went to his karate class. At the entrance there were about 15 young men who we never saw before and who, I figured, were waiting for someone or something karate-related.  In the locker room I helped Gega undress and put his kimono on and he entered the dojo where his sensei was about to start the class.  Few of his classmates were already in there. 

All of a sudden about 8 to 12 young men came in the dojo and started fighting the sensei.  It was very fast, very ruthless and almost silent.  The sensei, in his early twenties, was very aggressive and, at the end, very, very happy.  First, when he saw what was coming, he yelled "Children! children!" and I figured he did not want to fight in front of or near his pupils of ages 6-10.  But when it became clear that no one is going to stop the fight,  he showed all his might. 

It was beautiful, bloody and destructive.  Few chairs and wall pictures were broken. The sensei got bruises all over his body and bloody face. I worried Gega would be scared but he wasn't. I comforted two kids who were crying and took them into the locker.  After it all ended, sheer grin on sensei's face showed he was happy and high on adrenaline. 

Fellow sensei came in few minutes later and offered to substitute the today's class but all parents declined in solidarity to our fighter sensei.  Gega was overwhelmed with the experience and later asked a thousand questions that I could not imagine to answer completely.

Black belts can kick butt.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-02-15 09:43 am

birds

This morning I heard birds singing.  First time this winter. I think it was chaffinch.  It was freezing but calm and sun was out.  Then I saw few kestrels.  They must feel winter is soon to be over.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2017-01-31 09:06 pm

end of large part

 My father died 40 days ago.  I had been imagining this day many times before trying to guess what it would feel like. Now I know. I feel all the right things.

I feel like crying.  I feel like a lost little boy in a supermarket looking around but not seeing his parent and accepting a terrible thought that he is being abandoned.  Plus the whole set of usual worthlessness. 

His death did make some changes inside me.  I now much more clearly think I am wasting my life and that it can end anytime.  I feel that the best thing I can do is to help someone.  But this is a feeling and not a thought as I usually think before acting and "I feel like helping someone" is not ripe enough to begin acting on.

I now think he was a good person.  He loved his family.  He was a good friend and good colleague.  He cared about us and supported us.  The strangest thing of all is why is it that I could not see this when he was alive?
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-29 07:21 pm

a day as many

It is hot in Tbilisi, even on Plato.  I am jobless, full of plans, insecurities and reading Fixed Income.

Exciting to read about new studies on brain and neuroplasticity.  May be one day I learn Abstract Algebra easy.

Again and again have to make choices: to stay or to leave, persevere or quit, get up or lay down.  It does look like a roulette, only worse, because I do not know the probability distribution.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-26 01:06 pm

приехали в Тбилиси

Чтобы спокойно делать трудные или раздражающие вещи, говорил себе, что надо смотреть на это как на соревнование на выдержку, терпение, смекалку, ловкость, и т.д.  Поставил себе задачу держать себя в руках, не ругаться, не раздражаться до конца сезона в Раче.  Не получилось.  В последний день, во время сборов, сорвался на мелочи. 

В тот же день, во время сбора сливы, поранил роговицу глаза о ветку.  Пришлось идти к врачу и всю дорогу капать лекарства.  Во второй половине пути полегчало. 

Мне стыдно, что я так себя веду.

rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-23 02:32 am

(no subject)

 Вчера я: срезал паразитов с грушевого дерева, собрал срезанные ранее колючки и сжег вместе с тряпьем, сложил под бегели сухие дрова, сложил перед входом очени сухие дрова и хворост, исправил водопровод, убрал часть инструментов, устранил запах бензина в машине и убрал стиральную машину. Все время что-то делал с утра до вечера.

На всё это нужна физическая выносливость, которой я раньше у себя не замечал.  Наверное это из-за избытка кислорода.

Завтра последний день сезона, закрываем и едем в Тбилиси.


rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-23 02:02 am

бензином не воняет

Уже давно пора спать, два часа ночи.  Проснулся отец, боли в пояснице сильно ограничивают во всем, пришлось сделать укол. 

Вроде сел заниматься, но никак.  Время проходит, время ушло.

Этот пост просто для тренировки печати, хочу научиться печатать десятью, а не двумя пальцами одновременно.

Завтра соберемся и послезавтра в Тбилиси.

В машине теперь не воняет бензином! (надолго ли?)

Августовские ночи в Раче усеяны звездами.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-23 01:13 am

new life of my journaling

Again I started making random friends. I choose a random journal, scroll a bit, and if I like, friend. It used to be called friends on livejournal, haven't done it in 6-7 years, here it is called different. Things might start looking up again.

I will post in Russian, Georgian, or English, in this order of preference and mastery.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-22 02:21 am

медведь

решил порадовать стариков и пошел за грибами в "веревочный" лес. Наткнулся на медвежьи следы и большуую кучу помета. И всего-то в паре километров от дома. Много шумел и упрямо искал грибы, но хуй.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-21 12:53 am

revelation, bliad

кажется, я только что понял, что главное making connections, а не seeking isolation.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-20 11:52 pm

чего я хочу

я хочу сконцентрироваться и понимать, так чтобы понимание было продуктом, за который платили бы.

Но в реальности, я только пытаюсь сконцентрироваться, быстро, уже через несколько секунд бросаю, и отвлекаюсь на интернет, фб, порно и т.д.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-20 10:43 pm

еще и еще

чего я хочу от своего отца? материальных благ? просто признания. уважения. права на выбор. доверия.
rizhi_fin: (Default)
2016-08-20 01:12 pm

apology

my poor journal. you only get my attention in darkest moments when keyboard is the only thing alive. so bad we do not communicate regularly. you are my sewage. I need you and I am ashamed of you.

I am getting old, all processes in me are gradually slowing down. I am bitter that I did not achieve anything in life, even lost what I thought I had, a good name and some dignity. it's like sitting on the floor, naked and drunk, of some public place, not knowing how did I get there, or what to do next.

this journal should be named a whining journal.