Jan. 31st, 2017

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 My father died 40 days ago.  I had been imagining this day many times before trying to guess what it would feel like. Now I know. I feel all the right things.

I feel like crying.  I feel like a lost little boy in a supermarket looking around but not seeing his parent and accepting a terrible thought that he is being abandoned.  Plus the whole set of usual worthlessness. 

His death did make some changes inside me.  I now much more clearly think I am wasting my life and that it can end anytime.  I feel that the best thing I can do is to help someone.  But this is a feeling and not a thought as I usually think before acting and "I feel like helping someone" is not ripe enough to begin acting on.

I now think he was a good person.  He loved his family.  He was a good friend and good colleague.  He cared about us and supported us.  The strangest thing of all is why is it that I could not see this when he was alive?

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rizhi_fin

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